Archive Home Page A great book, and for men there is Mike Lew's book "Victims no Longer". I would like to add my own perspective on memory recovery. Memories simply can't be recalled like video playback, and indeed as I found out they often come out jumbled and confusing. It was almost three months into my recovery process that I realized that my memories were actually composed of memories of two distinct abuses. I also found a number of instances that the memories had been symbolically linked to other emotional events in my life (projected upon my parents who couldn't defend me, etc...). Often I knew when I found one of these associations when the memory just seemed to lack any depth (the real stuff brings out a lot of pain). It's also possible for a abuser to create the linkage, like an uncle saying that your father gave him permission, etc...
The worst of my abuse experiences was systemic and contained elements of what is often described in the satanic abuse rituals. It altered my sexual patterns, but I am convinced to my own satisfaction that it did not fundamentally change my orientation.
Memories cannot be forced out and will come out when you are ready for them. My own personal resolution did not discard the need to confront my abuser, but rather instead channeled my energy in to doing whatever I could to see that the cycle of abuse is broken. Revenge for me just didn't seem like the best way. Memories can not actually hurt you, they just can feel that way. At some point I felt the need to drop the label of survivor (and my desire for revenge) and move on. The only thing certain about child abusers is that they themselves have been in some way abused. I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life hating someone. But then everyone must find their own way.